When I look at this photograph, I think to myself, “Was the cancer there that day?”

This picture was taken in our backyard October of 2016. I remember the air being seasonally warm and inviting. The landscape bursting with that harvest color we all wait for this time of year. My family, dressed to match each other to capture the perfect family photograph. But now, I can't help to think, had the cancer journey already begun and we just didn’t know it yet? Was Makayla’s body trying to fight off abnormal cells as she smiled and held tightly to my hand? God only knows! But I can’t help to wonder. I wish I could jump back into this picture and say to myself, “Get to the doctor now and ask for a CT scan, just trust me!”

I often think was there something I could have done differently before “cancer” was ever in our vocabulary? Was it something that I did to cause her body to produce such a fate? How didn’t we catch it sooner? Why didn’t Makayla’s body communicate this intrusion of unwanted cells early on? Lord, why? What did we miss?

These are the thoughts and questions that often bounce around in my mind since her passing in May of 2020. It does no justice to think such thoughts, but it’s normal I suppose to feel that kind of fault in a grieving moms heart like mine. It seems silly to keep asking myself these questions, as if the answers will suddenly appear and I will be at peace. Also, wandering around in that kind of thought is just plain exhausting and unavailing. I have to tell myself to stop and look to the Lord for comfort. I have to think on the promises that bring hope and restoration.

I will see her again! I will walk with her, and talk with her, and hold her hand again. She will show me her room Jesus prepared for her, and I will show her mine! It will be as if no heartache and tears ever occurred. We will all dwell in the house of the Lord forever, together! The Lord will bring justice. He will give everything back to those who know Him and are called according to His purpose. We will spend eternity with her in a new Heaven and a New Earth, with no sickness or disease, no heartache or sorrow, never again will we have to say “goodbye”. That’s what the Bible says. That’s where my hope is, and that is a promise I stand on!