Bathroom Conversations

“I still look behind me and see Makayla sitting at the edge of the bathtub.”

I miss the little things the most when my mind is fixed on Makayla! I’ve said this before, she was my biggest cheerleader; my biggest fan! For her to give a compliment was like breathing air. It was so easy for her, almost effortless; like a mission within her heart to express. These pictures depict a memory that I want to share with you; a memory that becomes so real for me whenever the waves of grief bring it to my heart. These moments that God gave me with her were numbered, but He gave me the ability to remember them to tell a story …

More days than not, as I would be in my bathroom, combing my hair, brushing my teeth or putting makeup on, I would hear the pitter-patter of little feet coming down the hallway. Most often, it would be Makayla walking into the bathroom. She would take her spot behind me, and sit on the edge of the bathtub, observing my every move. She would sit in silence at first; I can only imagine the thoughts running through her little mind. I think she enjoyed just watching me do my normal thing; she was always very observant. It’s how she learned I suppose. The common questions that would come up as she sat there would be, “What are we doing today, Mommy?” Or, “I finished my Math lesson, now what do I do?” Other questions or comments would be, “When can I wear makeup?” Or “I made my bed and brushed my teeth.” And most often she would say, “You look so pretty today mommy!”  

Grief comes on like a wave, you have to let it pass, then wait for the next one to come… and it always will.

This may seem like a “cute” memory to share, but it’s these little things that I miss so much! It’s this very memory that clouded over me the morning of her funeral, and caused me to faint! It almost caused me not to attend the service. It’s a story I have told to a handful of people, but I feel it’s warranted to put it on paper for all to read. 

 It was the morning of June 4th, 2020. A day that none of us believed would ever happen or wanted to walk through, but time has its way of being pushy! It was a day I believe would be the #1 heartbreak of any parent to experience; getting dressed to say your final goodbye to your child, that waits for you in a casket.  

My nerves, emotions, and mind were weary, tired and to be honest, empty. I wasn’t myself by any means, understandably. But I tried to do the “normal” things to get ready and stay focused that morning, like having my morning cup of coffee, making my bed, and getting dressed. I started to comb my hair, put my makeup on and brush my teeth, and it was then the natural thought came to my mind of, “I wonder when Makayla will come in and ask me what I’m doing?” 

I’m not exaggerating!

For a split second, I honestly expected her to come into my bathroom, take her spot on the edge of my bathtub and start her precious Q&A time with me.  “Where are we going today mommy?”

“The image of my bathtub will always reflect Makayla sitting on the edge .. waiting for her Q&A time with me.”

Immediately emotions and thoughts came rushing in like a bad windstorm! I quickly realized, she wasn’t coming into my bathroom. No. That tradition was over. Never again will I see her sitting behind me! It had now become a memory rather than an action waiting to happen. But In my mind, I answered,

“I’m getting ready for YOUR funeral honey; to say goodbye to you! My heart is shattered into pieces and, it’s all wrong. I can’t do this. You are not coming to sit behind me again in here, are you?” 

But still, in my heart I heard her sweet voice say,

“Mommy, you look so pretty today!”

Let me remind you, this period of time was in the middle of a worldwide pandemic. Everyone had been homebound for months, including us. We decided to take care of Makayla in our home rather than in the hospital prior to her passing, so naturally we couldn’t go anywhere. No need for me to get “fancy” on a daily basis, right! However, the “bathtub talks” with Makayla would still happen. She loved to take baths in our tub everyday, so the conversations would continue, but be totally different. The questions would be more like, “Mom, why does my tummy stick out so much?” or “Why do I look so thin?” “When am I going to feel better?” or “When am I going to be healed?” Among other questions that I can’t muster up to type at the moment, but heartbreaking questions that even in those moments I didn’t know how to answer.

So naturally, the first time in my bathroom after her passing to “get-fancy”, my mind expected the normal routine of things to take place.  When I realized that wasn’t going to happen the day of her funeral, my body started to shut down. I felt numb and tingly. My husband carried me to our bedroom, and I blacked out. If anyone has ever fainted, you know the feeling of what comes next.; delusional, chills, clammy, emotional, shaking uncontrollably, etc. basically not fun! I told my husband I wasn’t’ going to the service, that I couldn’t see her lying there with no life in her again. The pain it brought my heart is unfathomable to express in words. I was simply… broken. It was awful! I eventually calmed down though, and made it to the service, it was very nice. However, that is another story in itself! 

Allow me to say this: capture moments with your kids that will last for the rest of this life! However that looks for you, whether they are captured in your mind’s eye, on paper, or cameras, etc. cherish your kids in the big and small moments! Time is limited on this earth, and it goes so fast.

It says in James 4:14 “How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog – it’s here a little while, then it’s gone.”

We never know when the Lord will give us those “moment” or when they will turn into a memory you wish you could relive. Be thankful for the gifts, the blessings, and those precious moments the Lord gives you. Allow me to say this: believe in the one (Jesus) that loves you more, and died for you, and gives every good gift under Heaven! HE is in everything if you choose to see it. Also… start now to recognize what those moments are to remember, who they are, and the purpose for what the Lord has brought them into your life.

As it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.”